{thoughts on motherhood}

steve aka sricpin/flickr

floridapfe/flickr
ferdi's world/flickr
iPhotograph/flickr
happy mother's day to all of you mothers as well as to all those of you who want to be mothers but for some reason or another can't. yet.
as someone who went through a major infertility trial, i know how mother's day can be when your heart is aching to be a mother and it's just not happening. i waited for 14 years (!!!) to be a mother. how tough was it? only those who have gone through the same thing, for as long as i did, know. each year it got worse and worse. it got to the point where i didn't want to be around anyone on mother's day. jay and i even went out of town once to escape it all. it all was just too much. i still remember the feelings i had back then even though now i know that all turned out well. the wait was all worth it. now we have sienna who is such a joy to us. life seems more complete. sometimes i think that i can appereciate motherhood more than other mothers because i had to wait for so long. i sure don't ever want to catch myself complaining about any part of motherhood. it is a blessing to be a mother.
i always thought i'd have three children. i even had names picked. two girls, one boy. life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, right? i never planned to be such an old mom either. i don't get it that the trend seems to be to wait until you're 40 or so to have kids. you just don't have the same energy as you did in your 20's, for example. all our friends have teenagers/older children. it makes me sad at times to think how old i'll be when sienna will be 20, or when she'll be 30... i just hope i can be there when she will have children of her own.
sometimes i still feel like an outsider when i'm with other moms. they talk about their pregnancies and deliveries. what can i say? no, i don't have stretchmarks from being pregnant (i just have them from being a woman) but i do have emotional stretchmarks to match anyone's physical ones. no, i did't go through a painful delivery but i sure was in a lot of emotional pain for years. i didn't have nine months to get used to the idea that the baby was coming. i had to do it all in less than a month.
we all have our own trials.
i don't know how i could have handled multiple miscarriages, for example. my hopes where shattered many, many times. but at least they were shattered without first being so excited about being pregnant. yes, there were many months when i thought i was pregnant. i remember being so mad at myself a few times for forgetting to mark my last period in the calendar. but that's not the same as having been pregnant and losing the baby.
but even when we got sienna, our trial wasn't over. for 13 months we still had to live in fear that someone was going to come and take our her from us (someone tried to stop the adoption and it took that long for all the court proceedings). it makes me cry even now when i think about it. such a joyful time in our lives but shadowed with terrifying fear as well.
so...
oh how much i love being a mom.
even when it's tough.
being a parent is the hardest job in the world. but also the most rewarding.

ps. check out:

www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

one amazing mama! reading her blog makes you look at your life in a whole new perspective.

ps. (meidän adoptiotarina)

{kiitollinen}

maanantaina olin kiitollinen siitä että lääkäri ei haluakaan tehdä tosi isoa leikkausta jota olin pelännyt jo jonkin aikaa. leikkaus on tulossa mutta vain sellainen "samana päivänä pääsee jo kotiin" leikkaus.

tiistaina olin kiitollinen ettei meidän tarvinnut mennä minnekään. yöllä nimittäin lumimyrsky tuulineen piti meitä hereillä melkeen koko yön. kissa kun oli napannut kaikki korvatulpat leikkeihinsä.
maalasin vihdoinkin siennalle ostetun puisen nukensängyn. nyt on kaksi valkoista sänkyä nukeille. mietin että pitäisiköhän vielä laittaa kiiltokuvat koristamaan sänkyjä.

pannukakkua mansikkahillolla.
kolmen tunnin päiväunet. silmät ei vaan enää pysyneet auki ei sitten millään.
toivottavasti tulppaanit tykkää lumikylvystä.
aika vaikea oli nähdä tämä lumi aamulla kun oltiin jo saatu olla shortseissa ja sandaaleissa.
yep, we had a snowstorm in may. makes you think about where to move to. :)
i was flipping through an old finnish magazine and found these pictures.
love the birch wood + gray + brown combination.
gray is the new black.

vintage aarikka candle holders. kinda ugly but retro cute too. love the O's of course. :)

{a bit of japan and a bit of china}

luin tämän hesarin artikkelin ja innostuin etsimään netistä kuvia japanilaisesta katumuodista. vancouverissa kerran nähtiin ryhmä lolita tyyliin pukeutuneita japanilaisia tyttöjä joten tännekin asti se villitys oli eksynyt. onneksi minun nuoruuskuvista ei nyt sentään tällaista löydy. mutta olisihan se tosi kurjaa jos me kaikki olisimme samannäköisiä ja pukeutuisimme samalla tavalla. minusta tällaiset asiat on elämää piristävää. :)

some funky japanese gyaru & lolita street fashion for ya. they ain't shy over there in japan. :)

from japanese street fashion to this book. a historical novel about two chinese sisters. this book will take you for a rikshaw ride from old shanghai to los angeles' china town. warning: not a light read. lots of heavy stuff in it. but a very interesting read, for sure.

(all images via google image search)

{k.i.s.s. = keep it simple silly!}

loved the black tissue paper pom poms i made for jay's 40th birthday party. jay's childhood/teenage pictures on the walls were fun for everyone to see. i kept everything simple and didn't stress about anything. bought the cakes and refreshments.
old age does bring wisdom. :)

{some funny stuff for ya}

teabags by maum

(found via www.geekgaz.com)

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

(found via www.ilaughapp.com)

{so beautiful!}

to purchase allison trentelman's gorgeous photography art prints,

go to:

www.rockytopstudio.com

i think the bellflower print would make a beautiful wedding gift.

some people sure are talented.

{yes, please!}

i'm in love! Y

(produced by summer entertainment, pictures found via www.huset-shop.com)